Keeping your word
 
        When I wrote about conflict resolution, I mentioned that I did not ask children to apologize when they have an altercation. Rather, I prefer to have them make a commitment toward positive behavior in the future.

        A reader, a mother of four, wrote to ask me to expound upon the topic of getting children to commit to improved behavior and then keep their word.

        When there is a problem, I have found that children generally respond well to having a heartfelt talk with an adult in charge. Most children want to do what is right. An explanation of what is right comes from the parent or teacher.

        The words will be different if you are talking to a four-year-old or eight-year-old, but the tenor of the talk is the same: you are a member of a group - whether it is a class at school or a family at home - and all the members of the group need to contribute certain behaviors if things are to function well.

         Most children can understand this dynamic.

         I have found that writing down the commitment can be a powerful tool in helping the child to achieve it. At home, we have The Book of Understandings. This eliminates the child’s telling us, “We never talked about that,” or “I don’t remember talking about that.”

         An example from our own book is that on March 7, 1995, Brian signed a statement that he understood that he did not have permission to change the outgoing message in the answering machine. Since that time, he has kept his word. 

         Kids especially get it when parents give some examples of the times that they make an agreement and keep their word. As your children’s role model in this arena, haven’t you kept your agreement to do many things? Think of all those parties, athletic events, and shopping trips, you said you would do... and did.
 
         Your contributions to the family have helped to keep things running smoothly. What you are asking your young people to do is to follow your lead.

         This column has been incorporated and expanded in Teach Your Children Well: A Teacher’s  Advice for Parents

 
All columns are copyright © Jay Davidson. Permission is hereby granted for individuals to download and copy them for individual use. There is a modest charge for printing these columns in any publication. To receive that permission, contact Jay Davidson